


Are You Mr. Wilson's Boyfriend?

by paraboobizarre



Category: The Following
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-04
Updated: 2013-04-04
Packaged: 2017-12-07 11:23:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/747971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paraboobizarre/pseuds/paraboobizarre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The entire fandom is all gloom and doom (plus, my ship was sunk. TWICE.) so I thought I give in to the temptation and write something a little more light-hearted.</p><p>Paul + nosy children = crack</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are You Mr. Wilson's Boyfriend?

“Paul, please.” He poured a fresh cup of coffee and set off to where he saw him fleeing into the living room.  
“Please, I wouldn't be asking if there was any other way,” Jacob tried again, setting the mug down in front of Paul on the living room table. Paul looked at the cup with all the derision such a trivial bribe deserved.  
“Please don't make me beg.” Jacob scooted closer, peering up at Paul with his best puppy eyes, but the effort was wasted because Paul simply scoffed.  
“You are begging right now and look how much that _doesn't_ move me.” He shook his head, disbelief and a certain amusement over Jacob's predicament playing over his face.

“Look, I'll do anything you want. Name your price,” Jacob offered, deciding that appealing to the better angels of Paul's nature was obviously not going to work.  
Paul shrugged, taking an infuriatingly long sip from his coffee.  
“Anything, really,” Jacob wheedled, racking his brains for something that might entice Paul to help him.

“I'll do the cooking for a month!”  
“You're supposed to reward me for helping you, not punish me some more.”

“I'll clean the entire apartment, top to bottom.”  
“It's your turn the next to weeks anyways.”

“I'll do all the stupid things with Sarah you don't want to go to,” Jacob suggested, acutely aware that he was scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Paul's cup paused mid-motion at that, his eyes narrowing slightly and Jacob pounced on the opportunity.

“I'll do it for a month! Everything. Every girly movie, every dinner thing, walks and drinks. And I'll say you have to do a professional development thingie at work that's eating up all of your free time, so it doesn't make you look bad.”

“Make it a month and a half and you've got yourself a deal,” Paul smiled, the smug look on his face almost too much to bear.  
Jacob sighed, already seeing himself sitting through a Grey's Anatomy marathon with Sarah. They shook on it and Paul's self-satisfaction lasted for all of two seconds until Jacob told him to set his alarm clock for five am the next morning.

 

***

 

It took longer to count the kids than usual. It was like they were vibrating in their shoes, never standing still, always trying to flit away as soon as he let them out of his sight. It took two very stern admonishments on his part and his colleague, Andrea, fixing the children with hawk's eyes for him to be able to count them all through and tick off his list. Paul just leaned against the school bus, glowering at the children, his whole body language spelling DO NOT WANT.

As soon as the bus doors opened the mob of excited kids pushed forwards and Paul flattened against the side of the vehicle as the shrieking crowd surged past him.

They sat next to each other at the front of the bus. Paul was sprawling in the window seat, his arms crossed over his chest, the same perpetual scowl etched on his face he woke up with.

“I can't believe I let you talk me into his,” he muttered, and Jacob had to lean in closer to understand him over the din of 40+ children chattering behind them.  
“Technically we made a deal, babe,” he teased, trying for a consoling pat on the arm, aware of the fact that the stupid nickname would only infuriate Paul more. True to form, Paul slapped his hand away, curling in on himself.  
“You don't get to call me babe today,” he moaned, knowing he sounded about as grown-up as one of the little monsters behind him but he so couldn't be bothered right now.

This was hell. He was trapped on a bus with a hoard of sniffling, nose picking, shrieking little creatures that all looked at him like...well, they looked interested and that was the problem. He was here to chaperon, not interact. If a kid should start choking on a chicken finger he might attempt a Heimlich, but that was it.

A little Asian girl with a bob of shiny black hair, bounded up towards Jacob and Andrea, crawling into Jacob's lap as if that were the most natural thing in the world, blabbering to him about...a hamster? Seriously?  
Paul rolled his eyes and got out his phone, deciding that looking busy was the way to go. He was not going to give these kids the impression he was available for anything, certainly not lap sitting.

The museum was actually kind of interesting, even if Paul would rather swallow his own tongue than admit to it. He stayed back and watched as Andrea and Jacob orchestrated the kids so that everyone could have a go at the science experiments.  
Eventually he wandered over towards a giant display illustrating an alternative energy concept on some God forsaken Swedish island. Okay. That was actually interesting...

He had lost track of time when suddenly something pulled at the sleeve of his shirt and Paul decided to ignore it. Interacting with these little monsters was the worst possible course of action. Don't encourage them. More tugging followed and Paul finally gave in, looking down at a little girl with messy pigtails in a way he hoped was both threatening and disdainful. She didn't seem fazed in the least. Paul looked about himself but the room was empty save for the little girl currently tearing at his sleeve.

“Are you Mr Wilson's boyfriend?” She asked, her eyes bugging out as she peered up at him.  
“What?” Paul blurted out, “Who told you that?”  
Before Pigtails could answer a fat kid with awkwardly grown up looking glasses stepped out from behind a corner, squinting up at him in a way that reminded Paul so much of an owl he had to bite down a grin.

“One time we talked about families and then Ruby said she has no daddy but that she has two mums,” Chubby Glasses explained. Somehow the kid managed to look both awed and vaguely scandalized at the same time.

“And then, then,” Pigtails tugged excitedly at his sleeve again, “and then some mean boys laughed and made stupid jokes about that but Mr. Wilson said it was okay for people to have two mommies or two daddies.”  
“And he said he has a boyfriend himself,” Chubby finished, sizing him up critically as if he were Jacob's dad and Paul had just come by the house the first time to take Jacob to prom.

“Soooooooooooo?” Pigtails sing-songed, grabbing his hand and hanging off it, swaying around on the spot, “are you Mr. Wilson's boyfriend?”  
“No!” Paul all but spat, realizing too late that the sharp protest would only encourage the kids.  
True enough Pigtails started bouncing in place, clutching his hand with her sweaty little fingers.  
“Oooooooh, you totally are!” She cooed, making moon-eyes at him.

“Did you have a mummy and a daddy or two daddies when you were my age?” Chubby inquired, pushing his glasses up his nose and peering up at him curiously, but Paul was really not in the mood to answer any more questions. Trying to peel his hand out of Pigtails' grip, he frantically surveyed his surroundings looking for a grown-up to rescue him. Preferably Jacob, but he'd take the grandmotherly colleague as well. Anyone, really.

“Do you kiss him?” Pigtails needled, her grubby little fingers crushing his hand in a death grip as she hopped up and down in front of him.  
“I bet you do,” she answered her own question, smiling up at him through gapped teeth.

“Let's go find the others, huh?” Paul eventually tried, deciding that help was not coming. He would find Jacob, leave the kids with him and go have a drink in the museum's cafeteria. There was chaperoning and then there was outright torture. This was the latter.

“My sister has a boyfriend and she kisses him aaaaaaaaaaall the time,” Pigtails informed him, trotting after him as he pulled her down the hall.  
“That's nice,” Paul muttered, his eyes scanning the various rooms they passed. They were all empty. Where the hell was the rest of the group?!  
“No really,” next to him Pigtails shuddered visibly, “it's kind of gross actually. He sticks his tongue in her mouth!” She made a gagging noise.   
Chubby glasses waddled after them, managing to look disapproving even as he scratched at the stretched out of shape Avengers print on his fat stomach.  
“I think they are in Hall C, solar energy,” he eventually announced, peering at a brochure of the museum. He sniffled, then stuck his finger up his nose and Paul silently echoed Pigtails' grossed out cry of _ewwww_.

 

***

 

What felt like a lifetime later they were on the bus on their way back home again and thankfully, the most of the kids had tired themselves out completely. Paul could still hear an annoying burst of giggles here and there but on the whole, this was the most quiet it had been all day, which was all good and well because he could feel a massive headache brewing right behind his eyes.

“You were really brave today,” Jacob told him, giving him a pat on the leg, “thank you.”  
“Oh, shut up,” Paul growled. Pigtails had been glued to his side all day long, chattering non stop.

_I think Mr. Wilson is funny do you think he's funny you're tall how tall are you I bet you're not as tall as my dad my dad is THIS big what's your favorite animal mine are cats but my mum has a cat allergy will you and Mr. Wilson have a baby one day..._

She had been clutching at his hand as if it were a life line, hanging off it and never letting go. His left arm now felt like it was two feet longer than his right.  
Jacob and Andrea were huddled together over a a mess of papers, hashing out some organizational hiccup and Paul took the opportunity to sit back and relax a little. His peace was short-lived.

“Do you want to know a secret?” It was Pigtails again, poking her head through between the seats from where she was sitting right behind him.  
“No,” Paul shot back, not even looking up from where he was reading the news on his phone. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Jacob and Andrea looking over at him, then subdued laughter and he took a moment to think the worst of them.

“Brittany told Amy that she thinks you're suuuuuuuuuuuper cute,” Pigtails confided to him in a dramatic stage whisper.  
“Oh my God, Jessica, don't tell him I said that! You ass!” Came an outraged shriek from somewhere behind him.  
Pigtails pulled her head back to shout across the bus to whoever, presumably Brittany, had called her an ass: “He doesn't even like girls, so DUH!”

Next to him, Jacob and Andrea were shaking with silent laughter.


End file.
